Tag: I don’t know how to label this

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All Your Blinkers Are Useless Here.

Jess5 Comments

Things I've learned since moving to Texas: I have an accent. I am amused. Ya. Youbetcha.Kolaches. Look them up: they are not a sneeze, despite what you may be thinking. Weird...but I'm planning to try the bacon/egg/cheese version. Someone explain to me WHAT THE FUCK SKITTERED across my bathroom floor at 3am? 3am is the… Continue reading All Your Blinkers Are Useless Here.

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Moving proves feet can scream (so can that weird curve in your hand that connects your thumb to pointer finger).

Jess4 Comments

I have a neat spot in my hand where the skin just decided "dude, I'm done with you" and split. Just...split. Thanks a lot, skin. Also: you guys, someone found my blog by searching "do they share spouses at renaissance festivals." I have a long list of things to blog about, including (but not limited… Continue reading Moving proves feet can scream (so can that weird curve in your hand that connects your thumb to pointer finger).

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"Negative, I Am A Meat Popsicle"

Jess5 Comments

It's true, I've been watching some LeeLoo Dallas: Multipass* while packing.I forgot how much I hate moving, even if we do have weirdo neighbors. There's a lot of crying and drooling in my house (by the dogs, of course...I don't drool when I'm crying. Maybe while sleeping, but there hasn't been a lot of that… Continue reading "Negative, I Am A Meat Popsicle"

Dear Minnesota: Buh-Bye Then!
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Dear Minnesota: Buh-Bye Then!

Jess5 Comments

Juice boxes for adults. I'd like a case, please. So, man gets hit by drunk fuck assmonkey and nearly croaks. Man recovers, decides life's way too short to continue doing what he's been doing (just getting by) and wants to follow his passions. Man also sick as fuck about the frozen tundra's endless miserable winter. Man finds the only… Continue reading Dear Minnesota: Buh-Bye Then!

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Oh Groupon,You Sneaky Assassin

Jess3 Comments

Today, nestled in the innocuous Groupon email offers for tasty dinners, pedicures, and odd products, there was a super awesome opportunity for cheap Skydiving.Let's not focus on how I'd rather pay full price for a death-defying activity for now. I'm not against skydiving: I'd be interested except I'd barf on the poor tandem person I'm… Continue reading Oh Groupon,You Sneaky Assassin

Things Are Weird Right Now, So: DISTRACTIONS!
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Things Are Weird Right Now, So: DISTRACTIONS!

Jess6 Comments

There are some bigass changes in the works in my house, and the next couple of months are probably going to drive me to baldness. This should not be confused with big ASS changes, which implies something is changing about my big ass. It is not currently, as I greatly enjoy Thin Mints and the… Continue reading Things Are Weird Right Now, So: DISTRACTIONS!

Point to You, Yahoo Spam Mail. Your Message Is Clear.
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Point to You, Yahoo Spam Mail. Your Message Is Clear.

Jess5 Comments

So, as of this morning:I'm broke but I can get cash in an hour!I'm an *ahem* underhung dude (or I have size self-esteem problems) but NO WORRIES: we can extend you!I'm lonely, but luckily there's both Match and eHarmony to accommodate my dating tastes.If dating with my newly enlarged junk is too painful, I can… Continue reading Point to You, Yahoo Spam Mail. Your Message Is Clear.

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"Nice! I Have a Cadaver Bone in my Jaw. Stay Warm People."

Jess9 Comments

There is nothing I could possibly come up with for a title better than that.Today's text conversation between my sisters and I today.  Punctuation fixed (it's hard to punctuate on text properly!)S1: We got a new furnace finally!Me: Yay! Just in time for -0 this week. Whew!!S2: Nice! I have a cadaver bone in my… Continue reading "Nice! I Have a Cadaver Bone in my Jaw. Stay Warm People."

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Bored Sheep Farmers vs Ohio State Marching Band. Shepherds WIN.

Jess2 Comments

Remember the super cool college football marching band that made itself into a T-Rex that ate a dude? Wait. Read that sentence again. My life is fucking weird. http://youtube.googleapis.com/v/DNe0ZUD19EE&source=udsAnyway, this? Well. I do believe a group of really bored sheep farmers (aka shepherds) with some astounding choreography (and engineering) skills and really well trained sheepdogs… Continue reading Bored Sheep Farmers vs Ohio State Marching Band. Shepherds WIN.

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UPDATED: Yahoo Seems To Think I’m a Lonely and Confused Dude (or in the midst of a spiritual and sexual identity crisis)

Jess3 Comments

Oh Yahoo spam mail, you do make my week awesome: Yesterday I got five separate invitations to join JDate. That would be the Jewish Dating service.Today (so far) I've received three Christian Mingle offers. And four different penis-enhancement-emails (viagra/cialis drugs, enlargements)Evidently I have a whole catalog of issues: small penis size, under-performing penis action (not surprising… Continue reading UPDATED: Yahoo Seems To Think I’m a Lonely and Confused Dude (or in the midst of a spiritual and sexual identity crisis)