My uterus is expired, because I say so.

This is not one of those “I must justify why I’m not having kids” posts. Mostly, because I don’t generally justify my choices to anyone but Husband (because he has to gets to live with me).

My impending nephew’s estimated arrival is next month already. I make it sound like he’s being delivered by a DHL truck or UPS guy…indeed, I’m sure my sister and her S.O. would be THRILLED* if a truck driver delivered their spawn.

I am excited as hell to be an aunt again, and am already spoiling him rotten with clothes and toys. Mwahahaha. We haven’t even gotten to mountain dew and candy during babysitting..I mean…noisy toys for birthdays/Christmases/fun presents…I mean…NEVER MIND. Hopefully my sister won’t read this anytime soon, or ignore it altogether (seriously, it’s your best option).

I never had a burning desire to be a mother. Nearly all of my friends (of both sexes and all orientations) knew “someday” they’d have kids, I knew I wouldn’t. No, really:  in elementary school I wrote short stories about bears ripping the arms off of people and hated playing with dolls. I’m just not driven by the biological clock my friends talked about. Many of them said (often in a condescending or smug “I know more than you” tone, which made me want to punch them in the face…with love, of course) that “eventually you’ll be DYING to have one and you’ll change your mind,” or even better: “but you’d be such a great mom!” Whatever THAT means.

Yeah. Hasn’t happened yet. Not when there are so many Verruca Salts in public, providing excellent birth control tantrums that keep me happily swallowing my pill each night.

As it happens, both of us generally adore kids. Husband is one of those weird baby-whisperer types: they immediately fall asleep, content, when he picks them up.
It’s fucking creepy, honestly. I think he gives off a secret baby-sleep-gas or something.

The annoying thing is, I always said I’d never get married, but then I met Husband and my devious (and deviant) heart did a 180… and I ended up married. Having changed my mind about the merits of a committed, married relationship I wanted to give myself wiggle room afterward in case my uterus pulled a similar 180 and demanded spawn (and peeing 7,000 times a day and puking for 3-6 months, both of which I already do thanks to a bladder the size of a peanut and allergies that hit hard from April -October).

After all, I try to be open minded and accepting of growth and change . I hear you snickering: I didn’t say it always WORKED, just that I TRY to be open to change. Judging judger.

Anyway, I told myself we could discuss and change our minds until I turn 35**, but after that I’m done and the factory’s CLOSED. There are multiple reasons for my arbitrary cut-off date, both logical and not, but this isn’t really about the reasons…it’s about the door closing. See, I hit that milestone this month, and I’ll admit it came with a momentary twinge of concern. Will I regret not having babies someday when I’m an old fart and everyone else is showing off their grandchildren in the home? I don’t feel inferior or lonely or less-than-a-woman for not having babies, so I don’t think so.

I have an awesome husband and a life filled with love. I’m happy to leave motherhood to those who really ache to be moms. I wrote here a while back about the importance of aunts/uncles/adult role models, during a time when I was still considering whether I wanted to change my mind and have children. Ultimately, I’m still ok with my decisions. I’m still happy being an aunt the kids can come to when they’re too embarrassed or scared to talk to their parents. And I still plan on spoiling OPK as often as possible.

*In case you didn’t catch it, this is sarcasm
** Yes, I do understand that I could still have a perfectly healthy baby after 35. I have friends who did exactly that. I didn’t say it wasn’t an arbitrary number: it’s MY number.

12 thoughts on “My uterus is expired, because I say so.

  1. You have just expressed my sentiments so perfectly it's creepy. Except the arbitrary 35 thing; I've always just said, \”But I might change my mind someday…\” and never have. Probably won't.Unfortunately, Rick will probably die before me, leaving me alone and lonely without anybody to visit me in the nursing home. May I please hang out with you if I get old? (It's doubtful that I'll ever age, though; everybody who said I'd get old someday also said I'd want kids someday, so they are clearly not a credible source.)


  2. Hey it's great that you are able to say this with certainty…..and there's always the adoption road if you get a hankering for kids and the plumbing isn't working anymore!!


  3. I understand entirely- it's also interesting when you hit my age (45) and it really IS mostly impossible to get pregnant and have a normal baby- and still sure I made the right decision-. Baby humans scare me. what if they grow up to be an axe murderer?


  4. I was watching that new Jonas brothers show the other night (don't judge me) and they were having a discussion where the mamma Jonas basically told her sons that there is no other reason to be married than to procreate. I shuttered a \”whoa\” at that one. I don't understand why it is still taboo for a woman to not have babies?! Of course, we are still arguing whether no actually means no so…. I applaud you for standing up and knowing/stating that it's not for you.


  5. Ha. Being a history buff, my response to that (and we got that idiotic comment often too) is \”actually marriage began a legal contract bringing two FAMILY FORTUNES together and defining who inherits if there are children. If there weren't, the patriarch adopted. Jackass.\” Ok the Jackass part is sometimes kept in my head, depending on how irritated I am. 🙂 Right after we got married, Husband was talking about the wedding to coworkers. He worked retail, and an older woman at the counter overheard him. She congratulated and asked when we're having kids. He said we're not. She got all pissy and said it's our DUTY to have children \”for all the people out there who can't get pregnant.\” He was pissed about that for a couple of weeks, particularly since we do know people who can't get pregnant for various reasons, and have never (at least, not to our knowledge) been judged by them for not having our own.


  6. My friend and I were having this discussion just the other day. She has never had any desire to have kids, and has made the fact that she doesn't like kids very well known, (her opinions have changed now that she has had contact with kids that aren't tiny little jerks). I made the point that I have no judgement on the matter. In fact, with the over population of the world, the more of you that don't have kids, the more kids that I can have. It's a balance *giggle*.


  7. Being a parent is such a personal decision. Shame on anyone acting like it's their business to make decisions about your uterus/life. I just love reading your blog so much, especially when you blog about yourself! 🙂


  8. LOVE this blog 🙂 and this post. Agree with all of it – most especially the baby delivery system… and am excited to see the fruits of Dave's baby-gas hee hee…. Who cares what other people think?? They only tell you what you 'should do' so they can ignore all their own problems (Um I'm totally been guilty of this 'advice giving' on occasion btw, just not to you about babies!)


  9. You know, I have heard that, \”You'd be such a good mom\” thing, too. What DOES that mean? Or my mom will say, when I'm chilling with my niece: \”You are SO good with her.\”Um, yeah. I'm the oldest in our family & the oldest grandchild on both sides. I've been around kids FOREVER, and now I teach college students (so, basically, big kids). Maybe that's why I don't have the urge? Not that I need a reason, but I've kind of been babysitting and nurturing people FOR FOREVER. Maybe I'm over it? Maybe I was a \”mom\” already and I'm burnt out.


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