Last weekend I babysat overnight for my sister and brother-in-law so they could have a kid-free anniversary date. As this was my first time sleeping at their house and watching a 2.5 year old and a 1 year old at the same time, they were understandably somewhat concerned.
It’s possible I didn’t alleviate said concern when I responded to her “how’s it going” texts with “I don’t know what you’re talking about: I sold them two hours ago and am out buying a TV” or “well nobody’s on fire, anymore” and maybe “Han likes a shot of gin before bed to help him sleep, right?”*
Highlights of our adventures are as follows:
- Evil gave me serious side-eye when I got her from her nap. She’s at the nook-sucking stage, and reminded me a lot of Maggie Simpson with her little ‘tude.
- After bribing her with snacks, she warmed up enough to use my chest as handholds to attempt to stand up. So she could pull my shirt down and drop giant legos in. Then she bit my nose twice, which is her version of a kiss, so there really was no room for argument.
- Incidentally: the nose biting earned me serious side-eye from her father when he found out she’s willing to kiss the babysitter since she’s apparently stingy with kisses.
- Han was extremely excited to eat blueberry pie for dinner. YES I FED HIM REAL FOOD FIRST.
- No one could find the ipod with Han’s “moos” to charge it before bedtime, when a bleary-eyed little boy typically eats a last snack quietly while watching twenty minutes of Netflix My Little Pony episodes. Panic ensues, but the ipod proves elusive so Han was relegated to MLP on the big tv instead. He dealt fine.
- We discovered the ipod on the kitchen table the next morning, right where Han left it (under a piece of paper).
- No, I don’t know why he calls all cartoons his “moos.” But it’s adorable so I don’t really care why he does.
- I expected a fair number of “but auntie Jess I need to” requests at bedtime, and my favorite boy delivered spectacularly. The first few were the normal water/cheese stick/sing me a song requests.
- The first two times he got out of bed to bang on his door (he can’t turn the handle yet) and holler “Auntie JESS I NEED YOU” I quietly put him back in bed, helped him find all his MLPs, and settled him back down.
- The third time I didn’t get him. He was quiet for a minute, then he started balling and yelling “MAMADADDY I’m CRYIN!” which was really goddamn hard to NOT laugh at when I went in the room. But he missed his mama and daddy, and he was worried they wouldn’t be back. So we did another round of Twinkle Twinkle (thank GOD I know the words to the one song he wanted).
- The fourth time I opened the door and said “Han, you can’t keep getting out of bed.” in a nice but low voice. AAAAAND he went into full toddler meltdown, which was also hilarious and difficult to not laugh at. Sigh. I’m not a nice lady. He hung in my arms like a boneless ragdoll, snotting and sobbing all over my shoulder. So I closed the door and rubbed his back and hummed “baby mine” from Dumbo (don’t know the words, just the tune) until he relaxed.
- And then, he killed my ability to sleep for the rest of the night. He turned his pale little face to mine (in the dark, toddler eyes are little black pits of darkness, did you know that??), put one little hand on my cheek, and whispered something completely unintelligible. THEN HE WAVED GOODNIGHT AT THE FUCKING CEILING BEHIND ME. Yup. Not creepy at all.
- After that, he slept just fine. Evil had gone to bed at 7:30 the night before and slept ’til 8:30am (with a diaper filled to at LEAST her body weight…how does one little person create so much poop??). I gave up after four hours of sad, fitful creepy sleep and just lay awake until the sun came up.
The next morning all was well, except for tired Auntie Jess. If you’re wondering, of COURSE I’d babysit overnight again. I just know now that I need to wear his little energetic imagination out before bedtime. I do adore them, after all. Sunday night I got a text from my sister: Han wanted Daddy to “rub my back and sing me a song like Auntie Jess does.”
MWAHAHAHAHA. Corruption begins.
*No Hans or Evils were at any point sold, on fire, or drinking while I was on duty. I mean really, people…selling them would only result in money for getting poltergeist/ghost experts in to un-haunt my house.