I was informed this afternoon that the ‘lady occultist’ in the Duluth Skywalk NOW offers “paranormal investigation” along with “soul retrieval.”
I am thoroughly intrigued.
How exactly does one retrieve a soul?
Perhaps more importantly, how exactly does one LOSE* a soul? Is it like doing the laundry and the washer/dryer eats a sock? “Oops, I misplaced my soul. Crap, I don’t remember which drawer it’s in.”
Does she have a soul-sniffer-outer of some sort?
A magnet-tipped extendo-soul-catching-rod (thanks Michael, for that one…excellent imagery).
Perhaps a specially trained dog (like the drug/bomb sniffing dogs, only for souls)?
|Golden SOUL Retriever|
Good lord, how does one TRAIN a soul-sniffer to sniff out lost souls? What sort of treats (Soul Biscuits) are required to get a dog to recognize a misplaced soul versus an intact soul? (This is Thor, my soul-sniffing-superdog!)
What if the soul is in pieces? Do you need a soul-divining-rod, like dowsing for water? What sort of material is required for accurate soul dowsing and retrieval? Is it something like metal detector-ing (in which case, do will I be wandering the Earth with a supply of batteries and earmuffs, swinging a soul detector over everything)?
How do I know the retrieved soul is mine? I don’t want someone ELSE’S lost soul. What if the missing pieces aren’t very nice, after all? I’ll stick with my own bits, thanks.
Could it show up in a random un-returned library book or box of junk you intended to donate to Goodwill but forgot?
Does missing your soul make you a vampire? If so, do you magically turn into Angel from Buffy the Vampire Slayer (OMG there’s a WIKI for Buffy)?
Can I request changing to Eric Northman from True Blood instead? He’s way more fun and less broody.
I’m not even going to go the Evil Dead “I’ll swallow your soul” route, because that’s just creepy.
Perhaps the biggest question: is there a cosmic dryer somewhere with a secret stash of souls??
UPDATE: Per a commentor on Facebook, “every new freckle is someone’s trapped soul.”
What the FUCK, people? Seriously, I can’t even tell you just how disturbing that concept is, and now every time I acquire a new random freckle I’ll wonder if the Soul Retriever can remove it…and give it back to the original owner, of course.
*Disclaimer: while I find my own silliness entertaining I feel some responsibility to put some non-snarky info out there. So, here’s what I found locally on the concept of Soul Retrieval, which I must admit is also intriguing. I’m not intrigued enough to pay for someone to find pieces of my soul, but hey, to each his/her own. Don’t yell at me.