Someday I’m likely going to have to pay these people for the shit they come up with to entertain me during the day.
Indeed, in an attempt to make me laugh inappropriately during meetings today, I received the following text messages:
Z: Coworker X told me a bit ago that he would rather have sex with me than the project manager. I said it’s mostly because of my butt.
Me: Well that’s fair, I suppose.
Z: I told X he could be big spoon. I’d be his big teddy bear.
Me: …since he’s quite shorter than you, I find that unlikely. Big spoon, I mean. Never asked if X is a butt man or not.
Z: Yeah no, he’d be like Yoda on my back. All men are butt men, Jess.
Z: But a Yoda trying to have sex with you. “Inside you I will go.”
Me: Oh good lord, that started a whole string of dirty Yodaisms in my mind.
Z: “Daddy, is who I am.”
Yes, I DID edit his name…and a couple of the Yoda-isms that I deemed too gross to read again myself. So there.
In a similarly fucked-up-yet-hilarious conversation, I received this from C the other day:
Oh hey, that reminds me I’m supposed to talk to you about seeing if we can use your contact within the viking cheerleader organization to get them to come to work
The Company Which Must Not Be Named for an afternoon. To boost morale. This a request from an employee of The Company Which Must Not Be Named. So it didn’t sound as skeezy coming out of his mouth as it does typing it out. Holy balls, does it sound terrible typing it out. (BTW, that’s Pope Balls, Rabbi Balls, Buddha Balls, Ganesha Balls, Jesus Balls, God’s Balls, Dali Lama Balls – in case you’re wondering. Really the Ganesha ones are the best. Because those are holy elephant balls.)
I told her since it’s likely to be 10,000 degrees (this was Monday and therefore MN had a heat index advisory of The Fourth Circle of Hell) and said battery could potentially explode, it was closer to butt cancer than one, and I’d likely try to find the battery.
Much discussion that day regarding other Holy Ball options: Odin’s Balls, Loki’s Balls (which are tricky, mind you), various other Gods’ in various pantheons, as well as whether Wiccans had Blessed Tatas instead of Holy Balls, however since there are male deities in Pagan/Wiccan belief systems we decided both Blessed Tatas and the Kernos/Green Man/etc balls counted.
I love my peeps, indeedy: we’re equal opportunity offenders.
PPPS: There IS another person on these daily email chains, but he generally doesn’t say much and sort of lurks like a damn shark, waiting until he can deliver the occasional grammatical smackdown.
UPDATE: It occurred to me after I posted this that while there were a few Yodaisms I edited out, I’m sure this would be a fabulously hilarious exercise in general. Therefore, if you have one, add it to comments!