Dear Diary – Day 1185

Dear diary, the Evil Overlord has cruelly prevented me from recording my suffering for quite some time, by blocking my access to the keyboard with YET ANOTHER hound from hell. The newest tormentor is fluffy and white and I hates her with the fire of a thousand suns. She keeps pinning me down to lick my ears.

The humiliation here may be more than I can bear.

I type this missive by walking across her keyboard while she’s supposed to be working, so I get to annoy her AND vent my frustrations at my lot in life.

I have escaped occasionally in the past summer, but there are larger and more frightening monsters than the EO in this demonscape she calls home. She calls them “trucks” and “eagles” and once I accidentally got stuck on the wrong side of the fence with a different Overlord’s hellhound. I admit I was happy to go inside after that near miss. Also, her infernal dog-beasts chase me outside, so I’m forced to scale the nearest tree to escape their gross drool, and since she’s freakishly tall she can catch me there. FOILED.

I sharpen my claws on the walls in the house daily, particularly in front the dogs when they’re caged in the kitchen, as a warning.

It’s fall here now, and the choices of prey in the dungeon on which I can take out my rage is dramatically better. Spiders aren’t very filling. Sigh. I may not be able to get through the screen to murder those giant grey squeaking rodents, but I have issued multiple warnings to this household in the form of horked up dead mice.

I made a mistake with the first one and left it whole and undamaged, just dead. EO thought this was KIND of me…she petted me like a godsdamned servant and said “good boy.” GOOD. BOY. As if I am a servant in her household and contributing, instead of sharpening my skills along with the occasional snack? GOOD BOY?

I will eat her face while she sleeps, I swear.

The second and third mouse I chased and hunted right in front of her, demonstrating my willingness to torture. I hoped she’d release me from captivity when she saw how dangerous I was, but my efforts were in vain. Again. Also, she appears to have set some neck-breaking traps and my prey is significantly diminished in number…soon winter will be upon the EO’s domain and the fall rodent population will be gone…and she won’t let me out to hunt like the terrifying panther I am.

Finally, I followed the songs of my people and left a mangled victim directly in the path to allow the beasts outside. I thought the loose eyeball and open ribcage would be a CLEAR warning to let me go, especially since it was the first thing she’d see in the morning, but to no avail.

She “good boy’d” me and I went to plot my revenge nap in the dining room, on a white chair so I could roll and get it as covered in black cat hair as possible.

As an aside, I don’t understand her insistence on setting those idiot jailers outside. NEITHER is smart enough to be litter box trained, and they make messes or ruin carpet wherever they go with their filthy feet and “accidents”.

I, however, only poop outside my litter box as a clear and unambiguous message to the EO that I will NOT tolerate such medieval treatment as a 1/2 full food bowl or stale, hour old water. If she’s going to hold me hostage the LEAST she can do is provide appropriate accommodation for my rank.

I will admit napping on the blankets in her room is lovely, but she doesn’t need to know that.

I still plan to eat her face in her sleep someday.