Dear 80’s Just Say No Commercials – It’s My Dog’s Fault

Chewy is now a relatively perky old man on super pain-medication. That's right, my dog is now a drug addict. Awesome. I mean, he already drank out of the toilet and ate things better left unmentioned while outside and barked at invisible things - why not get him high too? (He learned it from the… Continue reading Dear 80’s Just Say No Commercials – It’s My Dog’s Fault

I Dub Thee "Herman the Moulien"* (pronunciation updated)

So I have a (perhaps foolish) goal to submit at least two pieces of writing every month for publication this year. Yeah, yeah, I know...but it's not a sparkler-and-champagne induced resolution thing like losing weight or some other random general "goal." I'd like to say I have a really specific goal, such as writing 1k words… Continue reading I Dub Thee "Herman the Moulien"* (pronunciation updated)

I am not fired, and other Friday Shenangians.

I got sent home from work today at lunchtime.No, I didn't get fired, no my mouth didn't get me in trouble, and no I didn't hit anyone OR start anything on fire.Thanks a lot assholes, for knowing exactly what could get me sent home assuming the worst.I got sent home because I've been hacking up… Continue reading I am not fired, and other Friday Shenangians.

The Trials and Tribulations of a Jedi Dog.

Chewy has been particularly unimpressed with us lately. Ok let's be honest: he's perfectly fine with Husband. He's less than thrilled with me. In the past week, he's burned his tongue off*, endured humiliating tortures, and been denied wintertime treats. All because he has the unfortunate happenstance of birth to be reincarnated as a giant Star Wars… Continue reading The Trials and Tribulations of a Jedi Dog.

We’d Gladly Eat YOU, You Know…

The boys are convinced they're starving  and totally unimpressed that I left them outside until AFTER their water and food bowls were filled.I tried to get the licking-of-the-chops picture, but they were uncooperative. Hey, is that water? I'm hungry. Can we come in now? Fuck you. We're not doing the super creepy staring-while-licking-our-chops thing. NONCHALANT!They're… Continue reading We’d Gladly Eat YOU, You Know…

All Your Blinkers Are Useless Here.

Things I've learned since moving to Texas: I have an accent. I am amused. Ya. Youbetcha.Kolaches. Look them up: they are not a sneeze, despite what you may be thinking. Weird...but I'm planning to try the bacon/egg/cheese version. Someone explain to me WHAT THE FUCK SKITTERED across my bathroom floor at 3am? 3am is the… Continue reading All Your Blinkers Are Useless Here.

Furballs Run My Household

Shit I've said to the dogs in the past week:But my feet are so TASTY! It's exhausting...Stop licking your feet. NO HUMPING YOUR BROTHER!Thor, don't bite Chewy's face when he's coming back in. Wait until he's through the door, fucker, it's COLD out there. DO NOT EAT THAT POOP!Seriously, Thor, stop eating your goddamn feet.… Continue reading Furballs Run My Household