25

TRIGGER WARNING – 9/11 IMAGERY

I’m not sure how a quarter century has gone by. A whole generation.

I had a whole post planned for today, but I just don’t have it in me. I have memories and sadness at the state of the country today, especially with the juxtaposition of the ridiculous RNC garbage last night against today’s anniversary. So forgive me if this post is both visceral scattered.

I remember watching the second plane hit the tower on the news. I remember watching footage of people jumping to their deaths. I remember seeing the north tower collapse. I remember feeling like I was in a surreal terrible movie when the Pentagon was hit, when Flight 93 crashed in Pennsylvania. I remember blood drives and flights grounded for days and sitting at my desk for hours without knowing what to do because work seemed completely foolish. Most of my co-workers did the same. I remember the horror and shock and sorrow the whole country expressed for the weeks and months afterward. I remember the way so many of us came together as a people, with our neighbors and our communities and our allied countries.

I also remember Muslims bearing the brunt of the blame across the country. I remember anti-Muslim anti-immigrant violence and vitriol rising. I remember watching how acceptable it became to suspect others, to “see something, say something” and to openly fear anyone not-white, especially if they spoke with an accent. I remember the war and conflict that lasted for decades afterward.

And just like travel restrictions and data mining under the guise of safety, fear and hatred has only grown like a fucking cancer until the tumor became the monster running the show. The conspiracy theorists have infected the culture. Here we are, all over again, with a leader who gives people permission to hate and be racist publicly, and points them toward brown targets.

I watch at least one documentary every year on this day, or the memorial reading of the names, or read transcripts of the actual voicemails and conversations Flight 93 passengers had with their loved ones when they decided they wouldn’t allow that plane to reach the capital, and knew they would die. If you’ve never listened to those messages, you should sometime. There is no hate: every one of the messages are a version of “I love you so much, I will miss you so much, I’m so sorry but we have to do this because we can’t let this happen.”

Administrations in this country love to talk about patriotism. They fly the flag of being a patriot to wind people up at rallies and conventions, to try to convince people America isn’t great and we need to do something to make things “great” again. But it’s the normal, everyday people like those on Flight 93 who are the example. Ordinary people who became extraordinary and knew exactly what would happen, and did it anyway.

I remember when the majority of us came together in compassion and unity with our neighbors and our allies. I hope we can be that society again. I refuse to believe ordinary extraordinary people are lost.

Part of me can’t believe it’s been 25 years, because I still cry watching the footage. I still viscerally remember the horror, confusion, disbelief, anger, shock, and grief. Maybe it’s unhealthy to do this to myself every year, but I feel like remembering the sacrifices made that day by so many people deserves the discomfort. Not because I want to be angry and reignite hate: because I want to remember that people in a crisis came together to take care of each other as a nation, and that gives me hope.