Apparently some of those shoes/stuff/clothing “membership” sites (which are really just another way to fill your inbox with crap you’ll rarely buy but are fabulous time-wasters at work) also hock discount “personal massagers.”
Discount sex toys. DISCOUNT.
My good friend recently signed up on a clothing-membership site. For clothes. Today she said “Why am I being stalked by sex toys?” after receiving an ad from said website for discount massagers. Incidentally, this is the same friend who drove past a discarded pink dildo lying in the street by her house.
Let’s explore the reasons this is ridiculous, shall we?
1) When a girl signs up for shoe/purse/dress ads, she expects to get shoe and dress ads. Since when are vibrators and dildos considered essential wardrobe items? Granted, they could be considered an accessory… if they weren’t, why create lipstick-tube-sized vibrators you can keep in your purse for those “I’m so bored/horny I may as well do this” occasions? But still…not your standard wardrobe essential.
2) Why IS she being stalked by toys? Is the universe trying to tell her something rude and pornographic? Is God suggesting she get it on more? Is someone trying to drop not-so-subtle hints? I suppose she’ll never know, but it does provide a shitton of baffled amusement, so that’s something.
3) Three things you never ever want to hear about your personal appliances: Secondhand, Refurbished, and Discount. First two have an EWW factor so high…all I can say is if you buy used toys you likely deserve what you get. Sorry, but common sense people. Common sense.
Discount implies there’s something wrong with said toy, so I said who wants defective electrical near their hoo-ha? (Why do I feel a sudden foreboding, like I just opened a can of BDSM potential I can’t possibly want to read? Please don’t answer either of those questions…)
She responded with “that’s pretty much where the opinion that discount vibrators are not the way to go begins with me, yeah. I rather like my lady bits – certainly enough so that I don’t want to purposefully electrocute them. I’m just not the kind of girl who’s generally up for self-genital-mutilation. I mean, nothing else – clean up’s a bitch.”
PS: spellchecker doesn’t recognize “Massagers,” “shitton,” or “hoo-ha” as words. Mwahahaha.
PPS: Thanks to you peeps who provided me with fabulous blog fodder today. 🙂