As I’m sure you’re aware (since for some reason my uterus post is the #1 read post on my blog, according to the internet gremlins who decided to count random pings from Eastern Europe as “read”) I have no human babies. I have fabulous nieces and nephews whom I adore spoiling.
And two excessively large canines (whom I also adore spoiling, much to the frustration of my husband). I’ve posted about my demonic dogs before, because what entities other than children and pets can elicit the weird shit I say out loud?
Ok that’s a lie…I say weird shit all the time out loud AND in my head. But I haven’t yet said “STOP HUMPING!” to anyone other than my dogs.
I said YET.
Anyway, one day last week I got home an hour later than normal, and discovered a neatly piled poo on the carpet. I’m not sure if this was poop protest or simply too long without a potty break. I’m not even sure who did it, since they were both hiding (one under the table, one upstairs) when I got home. Sigh.
I suspect Chewy: there was JUST enough room between the poopy pile and the sliding glass door to allow for one 150 pound Great Pyrenees to lie against the glass and look out (as evidenced by the additional nose marks). Chewy is a master: he can poop on the carpet and leave it alone all day, but can’t poop outside without dancing around in a ridiculous dog-poop-crouch-hop so he can bark at everything.
Leaves on the wind.
Squirrels that live across the driveway (in the neighbor’s crawlspace, which she bitches about every year at the association meeting but refuses to stop putting birdseed and squirrel food in her backyard like a demented Disney princess).
People four blocks away.
Did I mention wind?
In case you wondered, EVERYTHING is poised to attack at any given moment, and Chewy is ON THE ALERT. With wa-woos. And poop dancing.
Unless he’s under the influence…
|I’m busy with my drink here, people.|