Things my awesome relatives have said to me recently:
*No. I did not get pissed on by a cranky horny goat in retribution or because I look like a female goat or for any other reason. The story involved was a good 30 years ago, and will likely end up in some collection of weird family tales someday.
Also, pygmy goats are fucking adorable and leave tiny hoofprints all over the roof of a car if they can. Which is disconcerting when you’re a tired high school student who goes to open your Chevy Caprice wagon (because who drove to high school in a super-cool maroon grocery-getting-tank she could barely park? THIS GIRL.) in the morning only to find devil prints the size of a quarter all over the hood and roof.
Teeny tiny demons held dance parties to bad 90’s pop music on my car. I’m certain of it.
For the record, the story that went along with this quote was rather horrifying, about a woman my grandma knew of who fell in the pen when feeding the pigs one day. A huge sow she’d raised (read – spoiled like a pet) from a piglet ATE HER CHEST AND SHOULDER.
What. The. Actual. Fuck.
Honestly, I have no further guilt at all about bacon or cute little piglet faces, because they look at us as people-bacon. Bring on the barbecue.
“Well, if the elephant is Kiki’s ‘sex toy’ then let me know and I’ll bring it home.” The elephant in question – a purple stuffed animal. Kiki – a rather adorable four pound female chihuahua with a penchant for sexually abusing stuffed animals SO vigorously she humps them from one end of the room to the other. Yup, she’s fixed. She doesn’t care: she WILL DOMINATE ALL THE STUFFED ANIMALS. Even elephants, apparently.
And really, what better way to end a post than giving you a mental image of a tiny dog humping her way across a floor with a poor purple elephant taking it like a…well, like an elephant, I suppose.