I think I need a do-over for the past couple of months.
I haven’t written anything real since August. I haven’t even really done any decent blog posts; my current journal has gathered more dust than ink lately; the book isn’t done.
The book isn’t done.
The motherfucking book isn’t done. Sigh.
I had every intention of finishing by the end of NaNoWriMo, since I didn’t hit my deadline of Halloween. Yeah. I don’t see hitting 60k+ words by next week. And instead, my internal helpful Smeagol, happy to encourage and help as long as I feed him regularly, has become all Gollum-y.
Intentions are meaningless. Nasty writerses.
I’m listening to various Disturbed and Five Finger Death Punch youtube videos as I write this…seems fitting. For me, and I suppose and the general air of anger permeating pretty much everything right now…which I’m not touching in this post but am thinking about.
I’d love to blame this on politics, or my recent potential medical scare (all is well, it was just an unpleasant week, and to those who gave me social distractions or direct knowing support, thanks. You helped, even if you didn’t know it.), or watching the decline of my elderly dogs. But the truth is less clear, and no-one’s feet deserve the credit or blame except mine. I’m muddy inside, all churning and dammed up (that’s not quite the same as DAMNED up, although I suppose some doubts and fears can be described as demons…which really just reminds me that The Bloggess recently posted something about demons and tiny merkins. Feel free to look up both the post AND the meaning of “merkin”. Have fun.)
I have roughly 17,000 ideas floating around in my brain at this moment. Sitting down and actually getting one out seems to be just infuriatingly complicated when ALL THE CHARACTERS are pounding at my skull at the same time, and I can’t focus on a single story long enough to finish.
On a side note, You Tube just switched to Fever Ray’s “If I had a heart”, the theme song for Vikings. And so I stopped to watch the video.
And my favorite scenes from the entire series are in the 2nd verse, where Ragnar catches a glimpse of Odin wandering the battlefield among all the ravens as he chooses the slain, and Valkyries soar in the stormclouds above.
I’m not giving up. I’m not even complaining…I’m pissed off and frustrated, not sad. I just need more discipline, or a break in the deluge lately, or the ability to switch off everything else. Or maybe I’m heading for the Hatter’s tea party. I don’t know. But I’m not done.
Except with this post, because holy shit you bothered to get all the way HERE when I’m angry AND flailing with words? Go you! And I’m sorry.