Last night I woke up seven times from nightmares.
SEVEN TIMES. Sigh. Who needs sleep, after all, when you can lie in bed and contemplate the ramifications of being swallowed whole by anything with stomach acid?
The first, and most vivid, is too fucked up to even attempt to psychoanalyze. But hey, if you have thoughts, feel free to share in comments. I was in a submarine (really?? I get seasick on calm waters) that had surfaced in a storm on some ocean. It was nighttime, and apparently I was the token drunk partying idiot on the boat because I was standing at the top of the stack (that’s probably not what it’s called…I was never in the Navy). Waving at the sky. No. I don’t have any fucking clue why I would be in that position in a weird combination of The Perfect Storm and The Hunt for Red October. But there I was.
And then a wave hit and knocked me out of the top of the stack and I was holding onto the hatch handle, waving in the howling wind like a flag. That’s right, I BECAME MY OWN FREAK FLAG.
Unfortunately, this made me a toothpick-sized snack for a megaladon (a prehistoric shark that’s bigger than a blue whale…I watch too much syfy, ok??), which immediately swallowed me whole like a bad party appetizer.
Took a turn you didn’t expect, didn’t it? Yeah, I didn’t expect that one either. Even Syfy hasn’t gone THERE yet (Pirahanaconda, yes. Freak-Flag-Person eaten by giant shark off the top of a surfaced submarine? nope). Syfy, feel free to use it in your next D shark movie.
And apparently Megaladon is actually the Sarlacc (I really can’t help you if you don’t know what either of those are…except to say you need more Star Wars and Syfy in your diet). If you recall from Return of the Jedi, those doomed to death by Sarlacc in the desert of Tatooine would be digested for a thousand years. Now presumably as a human being (albeit a drunk partying syfy foolish one who got eaten by a shark), I wouldn’t last in anything’s stomach for longer than my normal lifespan. But still. Acid burns. Fucking ow.
I would think it’s NOTHING like being swallowed by a whale (Monstro!) and getting it to sneeze you out.
IT WAS A DREAM, people. One of many last night. I have an extra shot in my coffee this morning.
The last one (before I gave up on sleep and just got up)? Some random woman accosted me in the airport bathroom with scissors, threatening to cut my hair. Faced with a potential stabbing (or bad haircut), I grabbed the scissors and ran. And she screamed “NO RUNNING WITH SCISSORS: YOU’LL POKE YOUR EYE OUT!”
And that’s why I decided to wear my Avengers underwear today…it’s an uncertain and dangerous world out there, and I need all the help I can get.
I should probably stop watching the Saturday night creature features, but I LOVE them.