But I Should Smile More

It’s been an angsty couple of weeks: turns out after you beat cancer doctors are EXTRA VIGILANT about everything, so I’m tired of imaging rooms and MRI tubes and everything is fine, but it’s been moderately stressful. This is purely background information for today’s post, which I warn you is regarding the “BUT WHY ARE MEN” aspect of online dating.

This morning a decent looking dude messaged an innocuous “hello”. Turns out he was in my age range with a profile that indicated he’s not married, has a job, might be easygoing enough to chat with, and isn’t 250 miles away (you’d be surprised how often people try to “match” who live multiple states away from me…um, no). So I said hello back. The following conversation is why online dating is exhausting and stupid.

  1. English isn’t his first language. That isn’t normally an issue, however there are enough of the SAME phrases in there, which match exactly to phrases I’ve gotten from others, to trip my catfish warning flag: I suspect this might be the same guy with a different profile.
  2. I don’t mind being asked how long I’ve been on the site or if I’m talking to other people. But doubling down asking if I’m SURE? What the actual fuck…am I sure about whom I’ve been seeing (in this case, talking to because Covid) or am I sure about whether I’m serious? Starting off any interaction with “hey I think you’re lying, you can be honest with me” seems like a POOR BEGINNING.
  3. “Lol just kidding” is really awful man-speak for “I know you didn’t like what I just did/said, so I’m going to try to gaslight you into thinking it’s no big deal”. Seriously, don’t do this. It’s the SAME as testing the waters with a douchebag “joke” to see if you piss someone off, then saying “hey I was only joking, lighten up” afterward. Following that shit up with any version of “you should smile” means if in person I’d likely scare the shit out of him just with the look on my face.
  4. My response was “yeah…we’re done. Good luck.”

So…since I’m supposed to smile more today, I’m using some of the best of the worst comments in this blog’s spam catcher to laugh out loud, because WOW. Enjoy:

Sin Eater is literally a book about a woman whose job is to eat the sins of the dying, thus condemning herself to hell on behalf of others. WHY were you looking for this for 4 whole days? Also? Not a man.
I had no idea sin eating is a hotly sought after news item? Although I’m 100% certain if Trump needs one that poor soul would just start immediately on fire after eating the meal.
Dear experts in the Sin Eating sector: please take note of my magnificence.

I actually guffawed out loud at the last one. I’ve been told I have a magnificent ass by one of my favorite people (not by an online dating person, obviously) but never “magnificent put up”. So there you go, random Zoosk dude: I am now smiling. But you can still fuck right off. šŸ˜€

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