A sample of what I consider the “best of” from my inbox in the past two weeks, all from the same group of troublemakers *ahem* fabulously inappropriate friends. These three people are the best possible present I got as a karmic reward for not losing my shit while we all worked in the same company, and luckily they kept talking to me even after I escaped.
Part of me thinks I should give background for this string of converesations, but really it’s much funnier without. No topic is off limits in this group, and that’s why they’re so damn fabulous. These snippets are mostly from one particularly inappropriate conversation which just descended further and further into weird. Yay rainbows, indeed.
- “oh sure, sperm sack tongue lady makes you giggle. I’ve been sending you etsy GOLD all day long.I see how it is.”
- “Okay guys… I know it’s just HOURS until 3 o’clock and all but I had to tell you guys: This morning I drove past what appeared to be a hot pink dildo laying in the street by the stop sign by my house.I’m not sure if this is a good omen or a bad omen or what, but I think it means today’s going to be weird.”
- “I’d advise taking it door to door and see who is missing one. Then tell them that everyone knows purple is the best sex toy color.”
- “So yeah it would be funny to have a jesus butt plug but at the same time is that really what you want in the bedroom? Or is it just really damn funny. That being said, hot pink dildo to me is like a grey toyota camary, it’s very vanilla really. When someone say’s dildo, a pink one is what comes to mind. Rhinestones seem like they would hurt though.”
- “I’ve got a serious problem guys…Now every time I drive to work and there ISN’T a pink dildo in my road I feel like my day starts out a disappointment. I’m pretty sure that means there’s something wrong with me. Like… really, really wrong with me.”
- “Mayhapse the dolphin one was designed by a disgruntled tattoo artist who got sick of putting dolphins on peoples ankles. So you think it’s the trapper keeper design methodology applied to dildos? There are presumably unicorn dildos and such?”
- “And you know… Saw a freaking hot pink dildo in the middle of the road at 7:30 in the morning today. I sort of started out with ”well today’s going to be outrageous, I may as well roll with it.” You know in an Elton John glitter suit outrageous sort of way… So I just sort of did. I thought to myself ”you know, fuck it, these people know I’m warped. They won’t mind. Well Pat might. But that’s okay.” Incidentally now that I think about it – thats another way pink dildos bug me – my brain goes to ‘over the top like Elton John in concert.’ I loves me some tiny dancer but that man is not sexy.”
- “Having throughly researched all kinds of dildo’s and strapons in the last few days, I can tell you that you can sign up and have amazon ship you a different one every month or week that can then be left in the street for you to see. This means you’d get a different one all the time, sort of a dildo of the week club(potential blog/podcast?). Get them sent to the office and then just throw it out the window on the way home so it is there the next day. This plan has zero flaws.”
- “And I should get my Unicorn Farts lip balm in the mail today. So that kicks ass.”
UPDATE: I saw two of these peeps at lunch today, and I have to say: Unicorn Farts lip balm smells JUST LIKE THIN MINTS. I’m so getting some of that! I tried to steal it, but I wasn’t stealthy enough and got caught. Damn.