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Things I Never Thought I’d Say Out Loud…

…until I had dogs.

  • THOR! STOP humping your brother!
  • Who peed on the bathroom floor?
  • Dude…it’s a buttless, headless monkey (much beloved/abused stuffed animal)…gross.
  • Chewy, I know you have to eviscerate stuffed animals, but do you HAVE to get the guts all over the floor?
  • Chewy, seriously, poop THEN wander around. You look retarded.
    • DON’T STEP IN IT!! GODDAMMIT!!!
  • NO HUMPING!
  • Thunder is not the sky barking at you. Shut up.
  • That leaf is not out to get you. Shut up.
  • No, you can’t rip that squirrel apart. Stay in the house.
  • Oh my god, stop bitching. Your bath isn’t that bad.
  • Don’t sniff (insert any guest’s name here)’s crotch!
  • Seriously, go wipe your mouth, you ishy drool machine.
    • NOT ON MY LEG!!
  • What the hell?? Who peed on the kitchen floor?? What’s WRONG with you?
  • Dude…I wouldn’t do that. He’s gonna bite your face off. (To Chewy while he’s tormenting Thor).
  • Sigh. Told you so. Come here, let’s see if you still have both eyes. (To Chewy, after Thor lost his temper).
  • Belly rubs!
  • Don’t swallow that plastic/fuzz/paper/shoe!
  • Stop licking your feet!
  • Put your head out the window and shush (to Thor, in the car)
  • Thor, why do you rip the ears off of every chew toy?
  • Get off my foot, you fat cow.
  • Oh dear, what have you done? (This is anytime I come home to two cowering, remorseful, hiding dogs instead of wagging-happy dogs).
  • Don’t eat barf!
  • Did you DROOL in my shoe? You bastard!
  • DROP THAT SOCK!
  • Aww, snuggle-puppy

UPDATED: My husband commented on Facebook (NOT my blog: bad form dude, bad form) with the following:

You forgot “stop licking your brothers junk” and “no you can’t have the bottle yet, it’s not empty”.

Touche Sir, I indeed forgot those two. Along the same lines: “put that away, nobody wants to see your junk.”

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